All I can say is wow.  As I sit here to write this my wife is at work, my kids are at school and I sit here on the couch. In March 2012 I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, both times the gun would not fire. I had hit bottom and could not even get this part right.  Everything I had been doing over the last 18 years of stuffing in my emotion and being that guy that was always good had caught up with me. Starting in November 2011 or January 2012 I had started doing something they call self medicating.  I had starting taking 6-10 benedryl at at time and on top of that I would take 4-6 pamperin with it.  I had become a person that had to take all of this just to get through the day.  Well after the gun would not fire the second time I was scared and God grabbed me by the neck and threw me in the car.  I drove to Harps in Bentonville and sat in the car.  I just keep sitting there.  Scared to ask for help because I was a "Pastor"  All I could do was send a text to my wife that said HELP.  That is all I could get out.  And that is where this journey begins.

My wife came running and then her dad and then my Pastor Mack.  I had no clue what would happen from here.  Would I go to jail, would Michelle leave me, would the church fire me....  I was scared.  I ended up in a mental hospital named spring woods.  A very very good place.  I stayed there for 7 days and detoxed my body and was slowly taking the right meds.  The only problem was one question.  The counselor keep asking who is Rickey.  I keep saying pastor, father, husband, and she would say that is right but who is Rickey, what does Rickey do to relax to unwind and honestly I had no answer.  This journey since March has been rough and is only getting rougher.  My poor family is going through HELL as I am trying to get better.

I ended up being type one bipolar with major depression and social phobia that is out of this world. It shatters my heart not to go to church or family events.  I go to my moms and home because if you get me around 3 or 4 people I have a panic attack and get angry, I am talking like hulk angry.

I have started sneaking into church and hiding in the pastors office so I can at least hear the sermon and then sneaking out. So that was a step up. I have went to wal mart once and it was not so nice.


NOW......  I need help again.  I sit here and think that the mental illness has taken everything from me that I had enjoyed.  I feel like I am alive but the gun did fire in march.  I can not go to church, my kids are scared of me, I cant provide for my family I had to step down as youth pastor, and once again I see my wifes poor heart break and the tears flow.  which rips the very heart and soul form me.  I dont want to sound all poor me buy I miss my family events, I miss taking my wife out for lunch or going to my kids events.  When we are all at home I sit alone in the man cave because I am usually so wound up because of the noise and activity.


I ask that you pray that God will show his face with to me and heal me.  I want again to be what he has called me to be a PASTOR.  I want my wifes tears to be dried up and her hurt to be over.  I want my kids to not have to worry about which daddy is home today, angry or happy.   I love you all and need help.


Just like in March I just have one word HELP by your prayer and responses and advice.


In Christ Love

Rickey Downs