All I can say is wow.  As I sit here to write this my wife is at work, my kids are at school and I sit here on the couch. In March 2012 I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, both times the gun would not fire. I had hit bottom and could not even get this part right.  Everything I had been doing over the last 18 years of stuffing in my emotion and being that guy that was always good had caught up with me. Starting in November 2011 or January 2012 I had started doing something they call self medicating.  I had starting taking 6-10 benedryl at at time and on top of that I would take 4-6 pamperin with it.  I had become a person that had to take all of this just to get through the day.  Well after the gun would not fire the second time I was scared and God grabbed me by the neck and threw me in the car.  I drove to Harps in Bentonville and sat in the car.  I just keep sitting there.  Scared to ask for help because I was a "Pastor"  All I could do was send a text to my wife that said HELP.  That is all I could get out.  And that is where this journey begins.

My wife came running and then her dad and then my Pastor Mack.  I had no clue what would happen from here.  Would I go to jail, would Michelle leave me, would the church fire me....  I was scared.  I ended up in a mental hospital named spring woods.  A very very good place.  I stayed there for 7 days and detoxed my body and was slowly taking the right meds.  The only problem was one question.  The counselor keep asking who is Rickey.  I keep saying pastor, father, husband, and she would say that is right but who is Rickey, what does Rickey do to relax to unwind and honestly I had no answer.  This journey since March has been rough and is only getting rougher.  My poor family is going through HELL as I am trying to get better.

I ended up being type one bipolar with major depression and social phobia that is out of this world. It shatters my heart not to go to church or family events.  I go to my moms and home because if you get me around 3 or 4 people I have a panic attack and get angry, I am talking like hulk angry.

I have started sneaking into church and hiding in the pastors office so I can at least hear the sermon and then sneaking out. So that was a step up. I have went to wal mart once and it was not so nice.


NOW......  I need help again.  I sit here and think that the mental illness has taken everything from me that I had enjoyed.  I feel like I am alive but the gun did fire in march.  I can not go to church, my kids are scared of me, I cant provide for my family I had to step down as youth pastor, and once again I see my wifes poor heart break and the tears flow.  which rips the very heart and soul form me.  I dont want to sound all poor me buy I miss my family events, I miss taking my wife out for lunch or going to my kids events.  When we are all at home I sit alone in the man cave because I am usually so wound up because of the noise and activity.


I ask that you pray that God will show his face with to me and heal me.  I want again to be what he has called me to be a PASTOR.  I want my wifes tears to be dried up and her hurt to be over.  I want my kids to not have to worry about which daddy is home today, angry or happy.   I love you all and need help.


Just like in March I just have one word HELP by your prayer and responses and advice.


In Christ Love

Rickey Downs

Blah....

Well as I look at the last couple of months I can on thank God for getting me through it.  It seems like the rush of life is not slowing down.  Between working full time, having a family, the church and the 10 things I am forgetting I seem to be a dog chasing my tail.  To complicate this whole thing I have some new medical issues that have kept me off work and kept me from driving.  I could be all down in the dumps and have a pity party (which would be all to easy) or I can hold my head high and know that God will get my family and I through this.  

You would think being at home for the last two weeks alone with direct orders to do nothing from the doctor that I would dive head first into Gods word and work on the four sermons God is allowing me to preach this month and next month.  But no that's to easy.  Instead I find my self giving into the worldly things like playing call of duty and watching ESPN or the history channel all day. Oh and playing on facebook.  It would look like I would learn my lesson by now.  I am so ready to be healthy again.  I am ready to be....  well I am just ready to be Rickey again.  Because this is getting old.

This adventure I am on is only getting greater and the more I give it to Jesus the more I will see that He is working and providing everything I need.  So from here on out I am striving to get back into the center of Gods will for my family.  I have been there and it WAS TOTALLY AMAZING and I am going to do everything in my power and use every ounce of strength I have left to serve the risen savior JESUS!

Aquire the Fire PART 2

So where was I........................

Oh yeah!!  This old man walked up to me as I continued to pray for our group.  He ask me if he could pray for me.   Pray for me???  But I am here for the teenagers. I am not expecting God to minister to me.  This was the teenagers not me.  But to be completely honest I was heart broken and bitter.  I felt like the ministry God had let me be part of was going down in flames. Back to the story...  This old man said a few words that would change my life and my calling.  He said this "God sent me here to pray for you".  I was like sure.  I have heard that before.  But then he went on, he said "I am here to pray for your ministry and your health and your specific calling".  You now have my complete attention.  Have you ever felt like someone had a window into your mind or soul.  We this man named Angel was looking right into me.  When he prayed for me he prayed about things only I knew.  I hadn't even talked to Michelle about some of it.  I mean he was pulling stuff out that I had deep in my heart. Scares left from years past.  He prayed for a complete healing of my spirit.  He also prayed for a completed healing of my calling and a renewing of my energy and love for the Lord.  He prayed that I would be direct with my calling.  Not to beat around the bush to serve God with everything I have. 


So Angel prayed a few words that has totally changed my life.  I went on this trip to minister to my youth and when the smoke cleared God had broken me and put me back together the way He wanted.  It was a mind blowing experience.  The God we serve has something planned for you wherever you are if you are willing to let the people (sometimes the people we are not comfortable with) around us minister to us.


In HIS name for HIS purpose
Bro. Rickey Downs

27 hours of teen spirit leads to one awesome weekend!!!!

Acquire the Fire.  Tulsa Oklahoma.  27 hours of loud music. 27 hours of bible teachin', truth preachin', song singin' and no sleepin'. 

I went into this past weekend expecting God to move in the lives of the teenagers in Tulsa.  I had no idea that He would move so greatly in mine.  When I finally opened my heart to what God was doing in my life I was overwhelmed.  It all started before we ever left the parking lot of the church.  We only took a handful of kids, but God used those few to do mighty things in my life this weekend.  They showed me what Gods love looks like, sounds like and feels like.  I came away from this weekend with a new outlook on my calling and on my life in general.  I thought this weekend was for the teenagers.  But then on Saturday night I was down stairs by my self praying for the group.  Then a young boy sat down beside me and wanted to talk.  We went back and forth for awhile and talked about everything you can imagine.  Then when he was getting ready to leave I asked the question... 
Where will you go if you die today. He said "what do you mean"?  I said if you died today would you go to  heaven or hell?  He said "I guess I would go to hell"   So I said would you like to know how to know Jesus?  We spent the next few minutes discussing and praying for Jesus to come into his life.  Know he is my little brother in Christ.  That was just the first thing God let me see.

Then the story gets interesting.  See I was sitting down and praying and a older gentlemen walked up and said a few words that would change my life...

To Be Continued...

MEN! love you wife like there is no tomorrow....

So, my life has been pretty much a emotional roller coaster the last two weeks.  With Michelle in Africa and playing the part of a single dad everyone knows life has been harder than normal.  So you would expect me to be all mushy and extra sweet to my wife since shes only been home for 3 days, and I have.  I have done the extra stuff I usually didn't.  I have tried to take care of the kids, do the dishes, clean, do laundry and basically anything else I knew I didn't help with when she was home.  Today during my break from work I had another God moment.  God convicted me on the fact that these things as simple as they were, they are speaking volumes to my wife on how much I love her.  But then the reality of, why don't I do this stuff normally?  Why don't I help my wife. I help her sometimes and she will be the first to say that I help. I do help but it comes after her nagging, "oops I am sorry ~asking~" me help.  And this is just not going to cut it!!!

I have taken a challenge and am challenging all other men out there to step up and love their wives like there is no tomorrow.  I don't mean to wait on you wife hand and foot.  I am talking about to step up and help. Sometimes its the little things that can make her heart skip a beat for you.  Like doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, starting the laundry, folding the laundry "this is a good one at my house" or just about anything that she usually does on her own.  Try just leaving a simple love note.  I did this today and she LOVED it.  After all guys we worked really hard to win her over and we should still work hard to make her smile and make her know shes loved.  Tell her she is beautiful.  Let her know you love her eyes.  Notice a new hair cut or even new nail polish.  Take interest in what makes her smile.

But the most important thing you can do for your wife is be a spiritual leader for your family.  Pray with her and your kids daily.  Let her know you are praying for her.  Pray with her every night before you go to bed.  Read your bibles together and grow closer with God as a couple.

I guess to sum it all up I am trying to tell you guys that God has truly blessed you with a wonderful spouse and it IS your calling to love her just as Christ loved the church...


Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

In HIS name for HIS purpose.

Bro. Rickey

I think I finally have everything figured out.....

I think I finally have everything figured out.....

No, really I think I know the answers to all questions...

I had a strange night last.  It started with church as usual and then a game of basketball after with the youth group (by the way I a tooooo old and way toooooo fat to play basketball with some teenagers) after the game I had a couple of friends come over so we could kill some zombies on xbox 360 and before we knew it, it was like 2 AM.   you have to remember that I am a single dad of three right now (Michelle is still in Africa) and have to work full time.  So, after my friends left the house I was walking around the house and feeling pretty good about things.  Like how I can stay up late still and how my wife will be home on Friday.  You know, important things like that.  It was in the very moment that all the lights went out that I was standing in total darkness in a totally quite house that the I finally figured it all out...

I finally understand what the bible means when it says

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light
Ephesians 5:7-9

It was there in that moment I realized that we are living in total darkness, gloom, doubt, hate, fear and so on, but when Jesus comes into our heart he comes with victory and light. When Jesus died on the cross he defeated all those things.  It is with Him and through Him that we have a path into eternal light, heaven. 

As I stood there I flipped on the light switch and as this thought raced through my head i realized this...


ITS ALL ABOUT JESUS!


In HIS name for HIS purpose

Bro. Rickey

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready....

What a day! This is week 2 of being a single dad and I honestly don’t know how anyone parents alone.  Last week about killed me and I am pretty sure at this rate by the end of the week I will be dead.  Don’t get me wrong, my kids are awesome, I have great support from friends and family but when your best friend, wife, helper and your everything is 10,000 miles away in Africa it makes for a long 2 weeks.  Michelle is in Africa on a mission trip to help with a women’s conference at the international Baptist church.  The funny part of the story is how she got there....

About 7 years ago God laid on my heart the people of Africa and gave me a burden to be with them (evidently my wife did not get the same call at the time) Michelle (my wife, for those who didn’t know that) swore that if she ever stepped foot in Africa that God Himself would have to put her there. So this trip is a little awkward for both of us.  You see when she was first asked to go I had a lot of anger and jealousy because this trip was my calling and my dream.  After all she got to go to Mexico last year and I haven’t even been out of the US!  I have to be honest that I told her a few times I hope she got bit by a monkey. (as a joke... well most of the time) So with her living out my dream and me staying here and being a single dad I felt like I got the short end of the stick. 

So I decided to have a little talk with God about a month ago to discuss this situation and how unfair it was to me.  BOY did HE open my eyes. See God is always using us wherever we are and I have recently learned that what I want is not what matters, it’s what God wants that matters.  So after this talk that I was on the losing end of I had a peace with my wife going and truly wanted her to have a good time while she was there. 

By staying home these 2 weeks I have had an opportunity to look into the role my wife plays in our marriage.  I never took her for granted but man I didn’t realize all she did or the time and energy it took.  I have also had the chance to spend some quality time with my kids and grow closer to them.  But I would say the biggest lesson I have learned is how to truly give your family over to God.  See with Michelle in Africa I have no control over her protection, I have no way to comfort her if she is sad, so I have had to really give my wife to God and spend time on my knees in prayer for her daily. Also since I was here God gave me the great opportunity to help lead a young man to God.  WOW!  My relationship with God has grown more in the past 2 weeks than it has in a long time. 

So God I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready to continue this journey in any way or fashion that you see fit. (hopefully Africa, just sayin')

In HIS name for HIS purpose.

Bro.  Rickey

PS.  Michelle, hurry home I miss my wife, oh yeah.... and.... I think our youngest needs to be on medication... but that’s for another time.